Dirty Details: The Days and Nights of a Well Spouse

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After getting into a fight with my mother about something stupid, I decided to run away from home. I went straight to my friend Ronnie's apartment.

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Ronnie was 19, wore a mohawk haircut, had tattoos, and had just gotten out of jail a month prior for beating some guy. Needless to say, I looked up to him because I thought he was just about the coolest person alive. Connie was what you might call a tough broad.

by Marion Cohen

She smoked unfiltered cloves, wore a black leather jacket, liked to ride motorcycles, listened to heavy metal, and had a knockout figure. She was basically a goddess in my mind, but it never occurred to me in a million years that I would actually be, you know, sleeping with her in less than 24 hours. It turned out to be a pretty epic day for a year-old. We went to score some pot, picked up some drinks Ronnie had a fake ID , and went back to the pool at his apartment where Connie was waiting for us.

We smoked, drank, and swam until it got dark, whereupon we went inside.

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We spent the rest of the night talking about topics that were generally taboo for me: partying, getting laid, and punk rock. When it came time to go to sleep, I tried sleeping on Ronnie's floor, but he couldn't sleep without the radio on, and it was impossible for me to sleep with all that racket. I'm not sure exactly why I went to Connie's room instead of to the couch, maybe it was simply because she was still awake and I wasn't quite ready for this awesome day to end.

Regardless, it proved to be a fateful decision. She invited me into her bed, and I obliged, which is when I noticed that she was completely undressed. I had never in my life been this close to an actual bare woman before, and I was nervous. I got in the bed fully clothed, which led to a minute of awkward for me silence, with her just staring at me with this impish grin on her face. Finally, she burst out laughing, and asked me if I was really going to sleep in my blue jeans. I got my clothes off, and not knowing what else to do, I asked her if she wanted a massage.

Once I got done with the massage, it was my turn, and she flipped me over and pulled off my boxers. We were finally both completely bare. She looked up at me and said, 'When you use this on a girl, she's going to enjoy it. A lot. I actually said out loud, 'Oh my God, are we doing it? Her eyes got wide for a second, and I suppose denial kicked in because from that point forward she refused to believe I've never slept with anyone before.

By the time we finished, the sun was coming up. She went to the kitchen and made me coffee, which only solidified my newfound sense of dawning manhood. As I was getting dressed, Connie told me, 'You make me want to throw rocks at my boyfriend. That was good. I got to our youth group class and there was a girl I was crushing on.

She gave me this strange look, which prompted me to take account of myself. I was absolutely reeking of smoke and Connie.

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I could barely keep my eyes open, but there was a new edge in my voice that hadn't ever been there before. I also noticed something different about her, too: I was no longer attracted to her. What had happened to me was so completely outside the world she inhabited that it was impossible to reconcile the two.

Not only could I never tell her what I had just experienced, she likely would have been positively disgusted by the whole episode. I wound up falling dead asleep in Sunday School, I slept all the way through church, and I asked my grandparents to take me straight home after lunch. I never set foot inside that church ever again. I knew nothing about dating or making friends.

I stumbled through life making cringe worthy social embarrassments one after another. When I was 16, a friend of mine arranged a date for me. I chased the girl off on the third date because I told her 'I love you. I felt terrible because I didn't even understand what I did wrong.

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  8. Two weeks later on my 17th birthday, I was depressed since 'the girl I loved' left me. I refused to have a birthday party because I was so depressed. I decided I wasn't a kid anymore and I 'ran away' to my only friend's house.

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    5. He wasn't home, but his mom answered the door. I apologized for bothering her. I was about to leave when the phone rang. She waved me in and pointed to the couch. It was my mom looking for me, she told her I was there, and then she told her 'He's playing with Sam on the trampoline. She sat me down on the couch, and we started talking. No one had ever spoken to me like an adult before about my problems. I still held back because I was used to not talking about my life out of fear of my dad hitting me.

      For some reason I felt like I could trust her and I burst out in tears. I told her everything; how lonely I was, how I lived locked up, how embarrassing it was to be graduating next year yet still living like a little kid. I told her about my 'girlfriend' and I went hysterical.

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      She calmed me quite a bit and told me the generic 'plenty of fish in the sea' bit. It was cheesy but I felt like the world was lifted off my shoulders to speak to someone about this. When I was breathing normally again, she went to get me another glass of water. Then I panicked, she's going to tell my parents.

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      I felt so dumb, I started feeling the cold sweats and that nervous feeling coming up. I thought for sure I was going to puke.

      Yep, here it comes. I got up from the couch, turned around and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. There was Sam's mom, wearing nothing but a white button up shirt.

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      I had never seen an unclothed woman in real life before. I had seen a few pictures in magazines here and there, but not much. Here she was, a somewhat chubby, unshaven, woman who gave birth to four kids, one of them my only friend, with no pants! I reacted how you might imagine.

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      I felt my cheeks heat up, I turned around and sat down on the couch. Why did I do that? I shouldn't have gotten up.

      She probably was in the shower or something. Even worse I was aroused and couldn't control it. I put my hands in my lap to cover it but it was not working. She came behind the couch and started rubbing my shoulders.